Sleepless Analysis

In Uncategorized on August 31, 2010 at 4:24 am

It’s 11:27 pm.  My family is sleeping soundly, I’m so tired, yet I cannot sleep.  I have this annoying talent for over analyzing, I mean i can analyze the most insignificant piece of minutia down to molecules.  Most of the time, it’s just a nusance, but right now in my life my brain is about to experience a nuclear meltdown.  The problem is, that i have more going on than ever, my marriage, my kids, my business, and well, just plain old me.  Writing is usually therapeutic for me, and well, i’m hoping for the psychiatric equivalent of prozac with this piece.

I’ve recently started writiing with an audience in mind, but this time I don’t care if a single soul in the universe ever lays eyes on this.  I’ve just got to try and clear my head.

I feel like i’m in mourning, in fact, i am in mourning.  Mourning for a few things.  First off, my marriage.  No i’m not in divorce court or anthing, but marriages are like the scariest roller coasters with big ups, and big downs.  Obviously right now i’m on the down part of the ride.  It’s happened before and i’m sure it will again, but recently each time seems a little tougher to get back to the up.  Stress.  It’s a killer, and it will hold that coaster down as long as it can.  I by no means think my marriage is over.  My marriage is many things, but certainly not perfect…who’s is?  I know what it is in the best of times and it’s pretty close to perfect, so when things are awry, i feel in mourning for what it isn’t at that moment.  The thing scaring me the most is that i feel like i have so much going on that i don’t have any energy left to bring it back to that place.  I’m struggling day to day.  The deepest part of me is obviously upset about this, but most of the time right now, i don’t care…i can’t.

Then there’s the every day family stuff that falls on my plate as the Mom.  This is where the mourning of “Me” happens.  What am i doing?  What should i be doing with myself?  That all gets muddled up in the demands of groceries, dinners, cleaning, making sure the kids are ready for school, what will i pack for lunches, am I raising good kids, laundry, cleaning, more cooking…and it never ends.  I might think about something I want to do for a spit second, and then inevidabley a voice is heard calling “Mooommmmy”, and the thought is gone.  Just like that.  Constant distractions.  I don’t know who i am other than Mommy.  I mean, who i really am.  I made the mistake of not solidifying that person before I got married and had kids.

Then there’s my business.  My “great” idea.  My plan was to start this business, work my ass off, and eventually be successful enough to take some of the pressure off my husband to be the bread winner.  That’s what i really want to do.  I want to be able to say “I did it!”  I took an idea, and i made it happen.  I wanted to make it something of my own, and I wanted most of all to make my husband proud.  I wanted to feel a little independent, and for the first time since having my children and being a stay-at-home Mom, not feel resented.  Whether this resentment is a figment of my imagination or not, and i truly feel it is not, I wanted it gone.  This makes me so emotional i can’t help the tears from flowing as i write this.  I wanted to be able to give my husband the chance to maybe find a job he was happy in.  Give him some wiggle room.  Well, it’s been a year now and that scenario is looking bleaker as every day passes.  We’re running out of time and money.  But yet, it’s mine and i’m not ready to give up on it just yet.  I try every day.  Most of the time i think, “What was i thinking?  I must have been crazy to think i could do this!  Other people are successful every day, I will be too damn it!”

Now it seems like all i’ve succeeded at is creating another level of resentment.  The killer stress i eluded to earlier all stems from this business.  Financial, emotional, physical.  My husband is more “trapped” than ever.  And if or when this business ends, which he is certain it will, what am i left with?  What then?  I’m back at square one.  I have no college degree, no “career” to fall back on.  Go back to school?  For what?  Something else to fail at?!?

This is all such a big pitty party i know, but it’s real.  Every day i try to remind myself of what i have, i do. Try to give it some perspective.  I know how fortunate i am.  I’ve experienced “real” loss.  I know, all too well.  I know what it’s like to have a child with a potentilally life threatening condition. I know what that stress is, and i never want to visit it again.  I’ll take this anyday over that.  But this is my experience at this moment and it’s real and it’s painful.  It is painful.

I’m tired of being the one to figure it out.  I don’t have it in me.  i have too many other things that have to be done.  What will it take to turn this business around, get my marriage to that happy place?  I hope and pray for inspiration.  I need to be more “present” with my children.  What will I be at the end of this?  I’m hoping it will be more than an empty shell, for that’s what i feel i am right now.  Time to dig deep.  Deeper than ever before.  There is something there…there has to be.

  1. You’re thoughts are so inspirational! I have known you since we were, what, 4? I still think you are a remarkable person!! You have been my best friend for all these years!! I love you and I am here for you for the happy and sad times that we all endure in our lives! Love you!

  2. Just had a chance to read your blogs. They are wonderful and come right from the heart which is so hard for many of us to do. We all have the “good” and “bad” and sometimes it so easy to get stuck on the bad. I know that the hard way, having lost a child and I thought I would never be able to move on. It put a strain on our everyday lives, including our marriage, but we were able to work through it all. We need to be thankful for what we have and had and know that it will all work out! I may not be as close to you as your sisters, but I have known you since you were 5 years old and have watched you grow into a beautiful woman, mother and wife. You will get through all of this and if you ever need anything, please know that I am here!

    • Thank you Lynn, for speaking from the heart too. I do know that I have the most wonderful family anyone could ever ask for, that are there for whatever I may need, no matter what! Luckily I never get stuck in the “bad” for too long. I have great role models;)

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